Final Fantasy VII: The Messed up version
by guilty-joker
Summary: Funny but all swear words are either mumbled or censored
1. Final Fantasy VII: The Madness Begins

Hello! I've given up doing original stories and starting to do some humorous stories of famous stuff. Here's my first one so enjoy!  
  
Final Fantasy VII: The Messed up version that makes no sense at all  
  
Intro plays with Aeris getting hit by a car and train coming to a stop  
  
Barret: Com'n SOLDIER betraying good-for-nothing piece of *CENSOR* newcomer  
  
Cloud wakes up and it turns out Aeris getting hit by car was a dream  
  
Cloud: Boy do I wish that had happended  
  
Battle starts  
  
Cloud uses Omnislash  
  
Barret just catches Cloud using it  
  
Barret how did you get that so...  
  
Barret notices the gameshark stuck to Cloud's back  
  
Cloud: Let's go  
  
Barret: Sure...  
  
Cloud sets the bomb  
  
Barret: Where's the scorpion boss?  
  
Cloud: I don't know and I don't care  
  
Cloud forgot to help Jesse  
  
Cloud: Oops! Oh well  
  
Red Scorpion: Huff...puff...I came here as fast as I could...umm Cloud? Barret?  
  
Bomb blows up and blows the whole reactor to smitherines and also kills Jesse early  
  
Wedge catches on fire and dies after the second mini-bomb  
  
Cloud: umm...  
  
Barret: ...  
  
Biggs: ...  
  
Cloud bumps into Aeris too hard and she gets hit by car  
  
Cloud: Cool, my wish came true  
  
Aeris gets up  
  
Cloud: Uhh...why aren't you dead  
  
Aeris: I think you forgot to turn off the "Good Guys Dont Die" cheat  
  
Cloud mumbles a LOT of curses  
  
Tifa suddenly shows up  
  
Tifa: I happen to overhear that so that means that Jesse and Wedge are still alive  
  
Cloud mumbles even MORE curses  
  
Cloud makes it to Tifa's Bar...  
  
  
To be continued...  
  
So how did you like it? Also if you liked this and really like FF9 check out my friend's messed up version of FF9. His user name is Ramza. 


	2. Final Fantasy VII: At the messed up bar ...

Not much to say today so on with the story!  
  
Marlene: Mommy  
  
Marlene runs away in shyness  
  
Cloud: Brat...  
  
Tifa: What was that?  
  
Cloud: Uhh...nothing!  
  
Barret: We're startin' the meeting!  
  
Cloud joins Tifa for a drink  
  
Cloud: I want something hard  
  
Tifa: Ok then...  
  
Tifa punches Cloud  
  
Cloud: Ow! What was that for?  
  
Tifa: You said you wanted something hard  
  
Cloud: Yeah I did and I meant a drink!  
  
Cloud slices Tifa in half  
  
Tifa regenerates  
  
Tifa: Grr...  
  
Cloud: Sissy fight!  
  
Tifa and Cloud start slapping each other  
  
Tifa: So are you going to just ignore your child hood friend?  
  
Cloud: Yeah  
  
Tifa: So you did forget  
  
Cloud: Forget what? Your Orthopedic Underwear? And if you want it back I still have it  
  
Tifa: No! I mean the promise! And yes! I want my underwear back!  



	3. Final Fantasy VII: Mission No2 Blow up R...

I'm glad you people like my stories so on with chapter 3!  
  
On the train...  
  
Tifa: Are we there yet?  
  
Cloud: No  
  
Tifa: Are we there yet?  
  
Cloud: No  
  
Tifa: Are we there yet?  
  
Cloud: No  
  
Tifa: Are we there yet?  
  
Alert thingy comes on  
  
A/N:I forgot what that thing was called  
  
Barret: !#$%& Someone screwed up!  
  
Barret rams through doors, people, chairs to the last car  
  
Cloud: Let's go  
  
Tifa jumps  
  
Tifa: Ow, oh, ooh, mother...son-of-a...ah! Whew!  
  
Cloud jumps  
  
Cloud: (inhales) F-BEEP  
  
Barret jumps and jumps to far and lands into the tiny hole by the security lasers and gets stuck  
  
Cloud kicks him down VERY, VERY, VERY hard  
  
Barret: You !#$%&  
  
Cloud: Just shuddup and sqeeze your fat, Sh-BEEP, A-BEEP down  
  
Cloud and Tifa get in  
  
Barret is too big so Cloud kicks all the way to the end  
  
Barret: Ow, oh, ooh, mother...son-of-a...  
  
Cloud: Quit your complaining!  
  
Barret: See if I'll pay you ever again!  
  
Cloud: Blackmail huh? Well, here comes my boot!!!  
  
Cloud kicks Barret in the A-BEEP extremely, extremely, extremely hard  
  
Barret: F-BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP  
  
Cloud: You know, I could get used to this...  
  
Cloud continues to kick even though they are out of the vent  
  
Cloud plants bomb  
  
Barret: Shinra soldiers!? What the hell?  
  
Barret shoots Shinra  
  
Shinra dosen't die  
  
Tifa and Barret look at Cloud  
  
Cloud: What...? So you think I have some kind of "Villans Don't Die" cheat?  
  
Tifa and Barret nods  
  
Cloud: Why would I have such a cheat?  
  
Cloud sees a shiny thing sparkle  
  
Cloud: He's wearing a bullet-proof vest numbskulls!  
  
Tifa and Barret: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh...  
  
Shinra: ...I've arranged a playmate for all of you...  
  
Airbuster comes out  
  
Tifa looks at watch  
  
Tifa: Time to go!  
  
Bomb blows up making hole in the floor  
  
Cloud: Guess I gotta follow the storyline  
  
Cloud jumps down the hole...  



	4. Final Fantasy VII: Crazy Pillar Explosio...

Again not much to say today so enjoy the story  
  
Cloud: Owwwwwwww...  
  
Cloud sees the flower bed a inch away  
  
Cloud: Owwwwwww...no wonder, I missed  
  
Voice: You okay?  
  
Cloud: (Kill Aeris, must kill Aeris)  
  
Aeris: What was that?  
  
Cloud: Oh, nothing  
  
Reno shows up  
  
Cloud and Aeris run  
  
Reno and Shinra soldiers chase  
  
Aeris slips  
  
Cloud: (Hehehe)  
  
Aeris uses Float  
  
Cloud: (F-BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP)  
  
Cloud: Oh the heck with it!  
  
Cloud uses Omnislash  
  
Cloud and Aeris run away  
  
Aeris: Wanna be my bodyguard?  
  
Cloud: Okay...(hehehe)  
  
Aeris: Cloud?  
  
Cloud: Uh...I just thought of something funny I did today! Hahahaha...(oh boy...)  
  
They go to Aeris's House  
  
They go to bed  
  
Cloud: Now first if I just put some tape on Aeris's door knob...  
  
Cloud makes a huge amount of noise  
  
Aeris can't open the door  
  
Cloud: (Yes!)  
  
Cloud runs to the park and Aeris is there  
  
Aeris: I had a problem with my door so I jumped out the window  
  
Cloud: Excuse me for a moment...  
  
Cloud runs far away  
  
Cloud: (inhales) F-BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  
EEEEEEEEEEEP  
  
Cloud returns  
  
They see Tifa in a carriage  
  
Cloud: That's Tifa!  
  
Aeris: Oh, let's go then  
  
Cloud already gets changed with all the best key items  
  
Aeris: That was fast...  
  
They sneak into Don's Mansion  
  
Cloud gets picked  
  
They beat him up  
  
Don releases the floor  
  
Aeris casts Float  
  
They use their best limit breaks  
  
They jump down the hole  
  
Aps comes along  
  
All three of them ram through the sewers and trainyard  
  
They make it to the pillar  
  
Wedge jumps down  
  
Wedge: Weeeeeeeeeeeeee! Ooof!  
  
Cloud: Aeris take care of Wedge  
  
Aeris: Why can't I come along?  
  
Cloud: No reason  
  
Aeris: Meanie!  
  
Cloud: (She's starting to dislike me, good)  
  
Aeris: But I still love you!  
  
Cloud: (Crap!!!)  
  
Cloud and Tifa make it to the top  
  
They fight Reno and obviously, Cloud saves the day  
  
The pillar blows up  
  
The whole AVALANCHE team is alive  
  
Biggs, Wedge, Jesse: Well since we were supposed to die, we'll just kill ourselves  
  
Cloud turns off the cheat  
  
Biggs, Wedge, Jesse die  
  
Barret: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...!  
  
Cloud: Well, thats that  
  
To be continued... 


	5. Final Fantasy VII: Enter The Shinra

I'm goning to include pep pills. Of course, I'm not copying anyone I just need it for a funny event I want to do. Also I just realized I forgot to have Aeris kiddnaped.  
  
Cloud: I want to learn about Ancients  
  
Tifa: Why don't you ask Aeris  
  
Cloud: Exactly my point  
  
Tifa: So?  
  
Cloud: Let's rescue her then, once I learn about Ancients, I'll abandon her  
  
Tifa: Fine by me, after all, shes your girlfriend!  
  
Cloud: Son of a-BEEP!  
  
Tifa: Who?  
  
Cloud: Umm...Barret!  
  
Barret: zZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZ  
  
Cloud: Nevermind!  
  
Cloud kicks Barret  
  
Barret: OW! My butt still is bruised from all that kicking you did in the second mission!  
  
Aeris's House...  
  
Aeris's "Mother" tells story of Aeris  
  
Party: zZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZ  
  
A/N: Party means the team as in the 3 characters in the "party"  
  
Wall Market at the "Shiny Golden Wire of Hope"  
  
Cloud: Let's climb it  
  
At the annoying swinging wire thing  
  
Cloud misses  
  
2 hours later, Cloud finally makes it  
  
Barret & Tifa: What about us?  
  
4 hours later, Barret & Tifa make it  
  
Shinra HQ  
  
Party "sneaks" in  
  
Barret gets annoyed so he uses pep pills to speed him up  
  
Barret: (Sings the Song That Never Ends)THISISTHESONGTHATNEVERENDS,ITJUSTGOESONANDONMYFRIENDS!SOMEPEOPLE,STARTEDSINGINGITNOTKNOWWHATITWAS!ANDTHEY'LLCONTINUESINGINGITFOREVERJUSTBECUASE...(repeats 1000 times)  
  
To be continued...  
  
Please review! 


	6. Final Fantasy VII: The screwed Chapter

Nothing to say so on with the story!  
  
Cloud: Finally! We're at the top!  
  
Tifa: I gotta...  
  
Cloud: What?  
  
Tifa runs a floor down  
  
Tifa: Ahhhhh...  
  
Tifa comes back  
  
Tifa: Let's go!  
  
Cloud: Sure...  
  
Barret: Oh great...  
  
Tifa: Now what do we do?  
  
Cloud: I'll signal you to run when I'm on the other side  
  
Tifa: Ok...  
  
Cloud zooms across  
  
Tifa runs like hell  
  
Barret falls down on the floor  
  
Barret: Ow!  
  
Barret: Hey! They don't hear me!  
  
Cloud: Hm...Oh! It's bullet-proof, sound-proof, poo-proof, food-proof and any other proof you could think of, glass  
  
Barret: Repeat that just 10 more times  
  
Barret: Oh, time for me to take my medicine!  
  
Cloud & Tifa: UH-OH...  
  
Barret: THISISTHESONGTHATNEVERENDS!ITJUSTGOESONAN'ONMYFRIENDS!SOMEPEOPLE,STARTEDSINGINGITNOTKNOWINGWHATITWASANDTHEY'LLCONTINUESINGINGITFOREVERJUSTBECAUSE...(repeats a 1000 more times)  
  
Glass breaks  
  
Cloud: Oops, heh heh heh...(oh boy)  
  
Tifa: Final Heaven!  
  
Soldiers run away  
  
Soldier 1: Wait a minute...! She's bluffing  
  
Soldier 2: Yeah let's get em'  
  
Soldier 3: Yeah let them get us!...Wait a minute...! That wasn't right!  
  
To be continued...  
  
Sorry... I couldn't finish it! 


	7. Final Fantasy VII: The Sissy

This is probably really old and dead but im bored so i decided to write this  
  
Tifa: No I'm not  
  
Soldier1&2&3: Oh crap...  
  
*Soldiers get blown away*  
  
Barret: Screw this... *Uses Catastrophe to blow a hole to the floor with the prison cells  
  
Cloud: Well, I guess we have to go with the story  
  
(Everyone surrenders themselves)  
  
RedXIII: Hi!  
  
Barret: Oops! Looks like we forgot to free you and Aeris  
  
Aeris: Dosen't really matter  
  
Cloud: Nope...  
  
Tifa: To h*ll with this! *Busts up everything in her path*  
  
Sephiroth: Jenova! Can you hewlp me shtick thish shword into Prewshident Shinra?  
  
*Jenova does as its told*  
  
Jenova thinks to itself: Sissy...  
  
Cloud: Oy...  
  
Rufus: Why is Sepiroth still here?  
  
Cloud: That's what I'd like to know...  
  
Barret: HIEVERYBODYLETSBUSTUPSHINRAOHHESDEADOKSOLETSKILLTHESISSY!  
  
Party: Sigh...  
  
-To be continued 


	8. Final Fantasy VII: Expired pep pills and...

I have no idea why im still writing this...this has been dead for years...anywayz enjoy!  
  
Sephiroth: BEAM-ME-UP!  
  
Palmer: Ooooga Booooga...*Farts*  
  
Everyone: UGH! *Faints in unison*  
  
Palmer: Time to make my getaway! Mwahahaha! *Trips*  
  
Cloud: Retard...  
  
Barret: Arg, my pills wore off...  
  
Tifa: Barret, the expiry date says 12/15/1986  
  
Barret: And that means...?  
  
*Tifa hands him a giant roll of toilet paper*  
  
Barret: Oh SH*T!!! (Pun intended)  
  
Cloud: Anywayz, Rufus, I challenge you to a duel!  
  
Rufus: Not with my panther at my side!  
  
Jenova: Stop talking like Yu-Gi-Oh characters!  
  
Cloud: You're STILL here?  
  
Jenova: ...Oops...  
  
Cloud: Shoo! Away with you demon!  
  
Jenova: I'm not a demon  
  
Rufus: Since when can Jenova talk?  
  
Jenova: Uhhh...  
  
  
-To be continued...  
  
Anywayz, I've got to finish my homework. Sorry it's so short, homework problems... 


	9. Final Fantasy VII: Cheaters and more

Disclaimer: I don't own Squaresoft or any of it's characters (but I do so wish so) but I do own this story and can manipulate them in any way I want. So HAH!  
  
I finally decided to continue this so here it goes. Please R&R folks!  
  
Cloud: You're in for a a*s kickin' now!  
  
Rufus: I'm SOOOOO SCARED!  
  
Cloud: Omnislash!  
  
Rufus: ...DA*N CHEATER!  
  
Rufus gets blown away and gets knocked into his helicopter  
  
Rufus: Looks like Team Shinra is blasting off again...!  
  
Party: ...  
  
Tifa: That was gay...  
  
Cloud: Oooh! Isn't this the part where I get to ride that awesome motorcycle?  
  
Tifa: You bet!  
  
Cloud: Heh heh heh...  
  
Aeris: So me, Red, and Barret take the elevator to the exit while Cloud gets to ride that kick-a*s motorcycle?  
  
Cloud: Yup!  
  
Aeris: Not fair!  
  
Tifa: And since when does Aeris swear?  
  
Aeris: ...Apparently, you haven't been around me long enough  
  
Tifa: GOOD FOR YOU!  
  
Cloud: Let's stop straying off topic and GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!  
  
Barret: Those machina are in for a a*s kickin' now!  
  
Cloud: Uh Barret...  
  
Barret: Yeah?  
  
Cloud: This is Final Fantasy VII, not Final Fantasy X  
  
Barret: Final-wha?  
  
Cloud: So you had NO idea that you were in a video game...?  
  
Barret: Vi...de..o...game...?  
  
Party: Ugh...  
  
Red XII: Well, let's go!  
  
-To be continued  
  
Sorry it's so short but please R&R folks! 


End file.
